In a galaxy far, far away, someone in a board room decided that Star Wars needed a new re-release. This man wrote a letter down to production, who wrote a letter to marketing, who wrote a letter to Jimmy Gay, at the time a severely underpaid intern, to write what would later be this re-release. We at QuQu Media were able to get a review copy of this re-release, and I have to admit, this movie is very diverse! This is a huge step forward for the current year!
Full Disclosure: QuQu Media received a review copy of this movie, and I was paid $1,000 to write this review.
So as we all know Star Wars was a very white movie. Even a lot of the aliens were white! It’s for this reason that I am proud to announce the new character cast for this movie! C-3PO and R2-D2, everyone’s favorite droid companions, are now canonically Asexual, Robotkin Gay lovers. This all on its own is a huge leap forward for affirmative action in 2016! Gay robots getting acting roles?! Yes, please! We all know good old Obi-Wan, well he is now a Transsexual Hepicopter-kin, who wears a beanie hat with propeller blades to represent his chosen gender identity. As Obi-Wan and Darth Vader spoke, just before his untimely, hate-crime death he says “Hey, remember that time we left your mom to the slavers?” This drives Vader into a rage, and ends in Obi-Wan’s death. This death scene is very saddening, but unfortunately needed to happen to bring awareness to the deaths of Heli-Sexuals everywhere.
Greedo, Han Solo’s timely nemesis in who shot first, will now be played by a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no Han. Jar-Jar Binks was left unchanged, as it seems they believed he fit the mentally disabled quota for this movie. Boba Fett has been made a Hetero-Normative Cis-White-Male-Scum, as is completely befitting of a character of his status. Watto, the happy merchant, is confirmed as a pro-contact, law-abiting pedophile, who may or may not have touched Anakin.
During the course of the original trilogy we learn that Padme, Luke’s mother, was in fact mentally retarded, which I find to be an absolute insult, considering how much the rest of this movie is so progressive! In keeping with diversity enabling, Yoda’s character is now disabled, and permanently wheelchair bound. Rather than use the force to move he chooses to live valiantly with his condition, and powers through every day with the strength of a.. Small.. Green thing? Yeah!
Princess Leia, the valiant princess of the Republic, will be played by Amy Schumer in the role of Miss Piggy, opposite Han Solo who will be played by Pepe the Frog, in the role of Kermit. Their relationship has been drastically changed, with Leia being the strong, space-cowperson and Han Solo being the whiny tag-along. There is also a large amount of female-on-male physical abuse, which helps to smash the patriarchal ideas of our current society. Chewbacca the wookie has been replaced by a CGI model of Nick Wilde, voiced by Nick Bateman, which adds a large input of comedic value to this re-release.
So Luke doesn’t change too terribly much, he’s just a Queer, Genderfluid, Aerogender, Trans-Abled Muslim-kin. Disney, I congratulate you on how progressive, and how supportive you guys have become, we thank you! Darth Vader will now be played by James Earl Jones in scenes where his mask is off. Lando Calrissian, who is already a successful, proud black man, has not be changed, with the exception of one line. Lando finds he’s surrounded by snakes as he flies the Millennium Falcon into the Death Star! He screams, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE WAIFUS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING SHIP!” This line, is a beautifully crafted example of modern film making at its finest.
In keeping with progressive norms, Emperor Palpatine has been replaced with Donald Trump. So yes, allies we get to watch Trump get thrown down a dark shaft with lightning shooting out of his hands! As an even bigger nod to our cause, they replaced the Sith with “Patriarchy” and Republic with “Social Star Warriors”! We made it! Disney-Senpai has noticed us and is helping us to usher into a new age of diversity and progressiveness!
As an ending note, the Death Star, the Patriarchy’s biggest, baddest weapon, will no longer fire an energy beam. No, the Death Star will fire a large, pressurized blast of menstrual blood. This is a huge nod to womenfolk, and shows that even Disney #Bleeds4Equality! I don’t know about all of you, but I eagerly look forward to the second trilogy’s re-release!
-A parody piece by Best Dog, MishkaHusky :^)
Note: Due to reader complaint, we have now filed this article under the “clickbait” tag.